<3

Rissa finished my hair last nights. It's in cornrows yo. WHITE GIRL CORNROWS.

Then we went to Bryan's, sat around his fire and drank. It was kind of sad, and Katie got really upset and I felt awful. Apparently her friend is treating her shitty and she doesn't have anyone to lean on....aw I seriously feel so bad. Me and Rissa would have called her up like a million times to hang out.

Anyway, Bryan and Rissa and I walked back to Rissa's house and laid in her living room a while. I left around 6 AM after dozing on her loveseat all night.

Even though Rissa and Janene don't get along, she's really pretty sweet to me and I appreciate that.

I feel pretty stoned still so I'm going to write away.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'm going to delete this journal, or maybe in a couple days, or...something. I need to start a new one before I go to college- a friends only one. So friend me when I make it I guess.

I cleaned a LOT today, then I went to the mall. Returned leggings, bought a pair of jeans and a pair sweatpants. And a sweet shroomy wifebeater. Got my computer back and I think it's already broken again, or simply was never fixed. Developed photos at CVS. Went over to Luke Kidder's house with Rissa, then met up with Lisa at her house. Smoked. Here I am, feeling loopy.

Tomorrow Bryan, Rissa and I are supposed to hang out. It's our last day together. I need to see Jess soon, too. Sam mos def. I have to go to Target, also. I have to start packing. I have to buy a new lighter. I have to have Rissa finish braiding my hair. It's kind of in cornrows.

I'm going to mess with my computer a little then go to sleep. I'm telling you this because it's important, obviously. Is this too much information? I'm totally lost.

My mother and I were at Roswell for 14 hours yesterday. She had to have an emergency blood transfusion. Driving her home at four in the morning, I feel sick from exhaustion. I think about sitting behind the thin partition and listening to her whimper- literally whimper in pain- like a wounded animal. I am not me. This is not real.

From Jessica:
Good evening, my darling; I bid you good morrow!
It has been a dreadfully long time since I've conversed with you. College is fast approaching dearest, and I fear that our inevitable separation is pending. Alas, that the day should ever come when Jash must be separated! Alors, what is the world coming to?
I am not positive concerning the frequency with which you peer into your electronic mailbox, fiddle-faddle gadget (you'll excuse me my views on modern trash), but in case you do it often, I am free of obligations tuesday and wednesday of this very week, after six on friday, and all of saturday and sunday, should you wish to have my company and are available yourself. Just for reference, today happens to be monday, the twenty first day of August-such a lovely month, one of my favorites, for all it passes so quickly! To take you into my confidence, apart from the hassle of school, I am quite partial to September and October as well. But I digress.
Do say you'll meet me soon, oh please, I couldn't bear to part without a final farewell, until we should meet again....oh, you know!
Mon Dieu, look at the hour! I must be off dear heart! I shall not say good bye, but farewell and au revoir, for, just as the song says, parting does bring such bitter sighs!
With Hope that you'll write back, and Love always,
Jash

Rissa and I went to the mall with her lil bro. It wasn't so great. Neither of us could find shoes. Then I dropped her off at Bryan's. I don't know. I really have no idea. I miss her so much right now even though I just saw her, I guess today wasn't really substantial. I don't understand why we don't do stuff like we used to. I don't understand at all.

I saw Shane at the mall. He seemed unenthusiastic, although this could have been entirely due to the fact that he was working.

Gonna chill with Sam or Jessica or Denise tonight. Whoever's around.

I worked my last day at CVS with EJ. I didn't really feel anything.

Kaylee's get together was nice. Her movie was fucking hilarious. And I like to see those peeps before leaving the hood. Went to Amber's briefly with Denise. She has a tiny baby kitty named Monster and I'm in love with it. Then I backed into a pole.

Every day reaffirms to me that I need to be in a relationship right now. I don't feel right at all. Or even good.

There are definitely a lot of people I have strong feelings about here, and leaving them is going to be such a huge anticlimax. Only nine days left. But I realize that investing my heart in them is only going to lead to more painful situations, and I have to let it go. Especially this one girl I miss all the time.

But oh, what can I do?

I got a new cell phone today with Verizon. My number is the same though, 228-5147. If you call me I'll actually answer now.

I went over to Amber's house for a little bit this afternoon, mostly to see Denise. She was too stoned to really have a conversation with, though, so I took a shot and left. In the car I called Shane. He said we should hang out tomorrow.

This is the third time we've had plans and he's blown me off. I can feel myself falling for him, but this has to end right now. Today. I shouldn't talk to him anymore. He's too insecure for me to deal with.

I feel really sad and strange. I want to see Marissa but she seems wrapped up in her own things. Maybe tomorrow night. If not, Kaylee's party, I guess.

I wanted to go to the fair really badly today but no one would go.

Basically, I am alone.

My aim for tomorrow evening is to go to the fair. WHO WANTS TO COME WITH ME?

FAMILY VALUES TOUR: In Toronto on August 28th, Buffalo August 29th, Cleveland September 6th. Anyone interested in roadtripping with me is more than welcome- I can't make the Buffalo show, obviously (day I move in @ Oberlin). HOWEVER I'm extremely interested in Toronto and Cleveland shows- especially Toronto..

Last night Matt and I walked very far. All the way up McKinley and all the down Abbott. I came home very tired. Today I am going to the Apple Store so they can take care of my computer, then I am going to work.

I also talked to Shane for a long time last night.

Haven't seen Marissa since last Friday.

I've been thinking about getting a full back piece, eventually.

Went to see The Descent last night with Jess, Sam, and Vince. It was nice to see Sam, even if the movie was awful. She said we should get together and have a drink and I was like, oooooookie.

I miss my Livi a lot.

Has anyone else heard about the foie-gras ban in Chicago? Is anyone else as disgusted as I am? WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY COMING TO? Who the HELL decided that force-feeding ducks and geese is to be considered animal cruelty when they're destined to be slaughtered anyway? As much as I despise PETA, anyone who's watched their videos on all the inhumane things that go on in raising livestock would realize that force feeding a duck is tame by comparison to some of the things that go on. I am so pissed off. God, I HATE fuckin' PETA.

I bought the last of my junk for college today. Totes, food, some other random stuff. 15 DAYS.

I'm upset. Mildly upset. Shane has blown me off two nights in a row. Tonight, he's informed me, it was to smoke pot and skate board.

He's not my boyfriend. We haven't kissed. I had a hard time getting him to hold my hand. I'm leaving in 16 days. I don't feel attached.

But I thought he liked me.

I hate feeling sad and lonely.

I went to the fair again today. I bought a really cool purse. And watched my cousin Em.

I exchanged my sneakers. I returned stuff to Target. I returned stuff to CVS. I printed tons of pictures, some for my collage. I walked around the antique mall. I wanted to buy Shane something, like an old book, or something cool, but I didn't get anything. I went over to Lisa's to show Rissa pictures.

I don't want to go to the fair again tomorrow. I don't know why I said I did. Probably next week.

Shane and I were supposed to go to the cheap movies tonight to make out in the back but he cancelled on me. I'm slightly miffed even though I didn't want to go that much. I only like him a little bit. But it's another week's worth, at least, and then I'm out of here.

I'm just wasting time.

As I begin to write this, I'm going FUCK because I just remembered Lisa's party was today. Lisa, I'm so, so sorry...I read your comment and I legitimately meant to come. It totally slipped my mind, though, I did so much running around today. I really wanted to see you too :< I will make it up. Promise.

This morning I took my mom to Roswell for chemo. Then we went to aunt Lisa's to see the new puppy. She is adorable and her name is Maggie. ANOTHER $120 WASTED ON COLLEGE AT CVS.

So...yea. Fair? I'm not exactly sure how it's 12:22 and I'm at home because the time between meeting arriving at the fair and leaving is completely lost to me. Shane, Rissa, Bryan, Mandi and I all went to the fair trippin on shrooms with the exception of Shane who was my babysitter for the evening. We went on a ride together where I became part of the sky. Also, I was completely astounded and amazed by an ATM sitting in it's own little tent. Later, ribbon fries were consumed. In the bathroom stall I hear the attendent say something about how much tips are appreciated and the walls break out into a lizardy green pattern and I think to myself, So this is what shrooms are like, while my world is consumed by garbled static background noise. I think about the million different levels of existance. I cannot understand if I am being appropriate or not and I don't know if people are staring at me because I'm staring at them or because I'm shouting. I try to think about time but I can't wrap my mind around it.

Shane tells me I look like a movie star when I smoke cigarettes. He is so wonderful and I don't know if I'm falling for him or not at all and that's fine. I haven't kissed him yet. This is what he says when I tell him I want to:
my thought response: "animal parades are rare but very spectacular. It’s cold in the streets. The bears are the best. This years celebration is marred by a set of explosives that injure a large portion of woodland creatures. Most viewers are greatly shocked. Some pageant participants are abducted and eaten. I play Nintendo the next day."

a>

I'm making Shane a mix CD. So far it is 65 songs long. He is drawing me a picture in return. I'm making a mural so cut me out interesting things. My understanding of the stupidity of the general public is ever expanding.

There's a probability I will do shrooms this weekend which I am highly anticipating.

My heart aches.

I don't know what to say.

Today I spent $130 at Target on stuff for school and I am nowhere near done.

Jessica and I met Shane and we all rode bikes. We rode our bikes far, actually. We went to Shane's house, drank some delicious pop from the ghetto, and jumped on his trampoline. Later he gave me a hamburger he had in his backpack.

I guess I'm happy.

Shane:

Ron:

Um, I dunno. I have nothing to do tonight for the first time in like forever. I feel like something's not right but I don't know what it is.

My opinions on a lot of people have changed DRASTICALLY in the past month. For better and for worse. Actually, my opinion on pretty much everyone I know has changed. And I don't trust fucking anyone.

Most are weak. Some are assholes. Some are genuinely good people. It's all gravy.

Rissa's grad party today. Fuuuuun stuff. I heart Lisa, she makes me feel really comfortable and happy. Alistair isn't bad at all either. He told me Ron likes me. I will probably never see Ron again. But I thought he was cool. Unless Rissa actually wants to go out to Big Shots Wednesday. Anyway. Got high playing this fucked up game we made up in the street. Then went in the hot tub. Later Shane showed up and I talked to him for a looooong time.

I like Shane because he uses my name in casually conversation when addressing me. And he's really strange and likes to talk about interesting things but he's not dorky about it at all.

If you asked me how I feel right now, I would tell you that relief is seeping into every pore of my body.

THE FAIR STARTS WEDNESDAY AND WE'RE GOING EVERY DAY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!! CALL ME UP!!!!